Desi irawati diary
Here is the English translation of the handwritten journal page dated 1 March 2025:
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1 March 2025
Saturday night, the first fast-breaking
We broke our fast for the first time with just KFC burger and fries, but it still didn’t feel right, because it was without my child & sibling #1.
Financial contract – two years, must go home to start a business, must make money so I don’t have to keep looking.
Loan – must be paid off.
They say they had a hard time picking me up because of Allah – but did they ever really want me, or was it just a duty?
I don’t want to stay here long.
Only 2 years – that’s it!
Please succeed
Fatimah, Aminah
I miss you both so much.
Ya Allah, forgive me for not being able to accompany my children.
What did they really want from me? I’ve already given everything.
They were given KFC burger and fries – they immediately asked for more. They drank sweet iced tea. I didn’t eat. It didn’t taste good without my children and my little sister.
Everything they wanted from me, they got.
But they still couldn’t be fully present.
They have to return to open a business – not allowed to just look for work.
They said they had to borrow money, but already told my mom they would bring me back.
They even said they were forced to come get me – so what do they really want from me?
I didn’t want to stay here long.
Only 2 years, not more.
Ya Allah, give them clarity.
Even though I can’t feel their sincerity.
They sent me here not to support me – but to be relieved of the burden.
They thought I didn’t know that.
This 2-year acceleration, O Allah...
I hope You ease it.
Let this be the last time I feel this much stress and trauma.
Let this be a stepping stone to face a better life.
I’m tired. I’m burnt out. I want to rest.
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Bismillah Ya Allah, I ask for Your steadfastness.
Strengthen my hands, shoulders, back, and legs.
I won’t repeat this again.
I’ve reached my limit.
The trauma and stress—I must leave the children for a while.
Allahu Akbar (God is Great),
There is no god but Allah
Allahu Akbar
Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un (To God we belong, and to Him we return)
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Here is the English translation of the handwritten note in the image:
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Aminah Fatimah LDR
February 18, 2023
Aminah Fatimah, my younger sister, a woman who was born from a great mother.
Even though our family doesn't care, I do care about you.
Even though you are still young, I can talk to you like an adult.
Even though you are a woman, don't keep crying, Ndo.
Even though you are the youngest girl, stay strong, Ndo.
Even though you're left behind, everything will be okay, Ndo.
Your presence is a beautiful prayer, a divine gift.
Even though it's hard, I must go.
Even if I have to leave, I will come back to you.
Even if I never return, remember I’ve loved you.
No matter what happens, I must go.
Even though this is temporary, this is a must.
Even though it’s my mistake, I must leave first.
Sorry, Ndo.
Fatimah
Aminah
2 years
Graduate 2027
Finish
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Here is the English translation of the handwritten note in the second image:
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"Every time my child calls, he always cries.
Why, dear Allah?
What is making him so sad?
I can’t bear this, oh Allah.
Especially since here I can’t contact the school.
I must go back because he’s always scolded for not doing homework.
I helped him before, he quickly picked it up, he’s smart.
Next time, don’t judge someone before finishing your own tasks.
They say customers are always right.
Yes, that’s true — but not all customers (are right).
I will hold on until I make my own decision,
asking Allah for rest, even if I must go through pain and tears.
Persistence every day — may Allah help me endure.
This month, I’ll pay off debts.
Behind my success are good people, but sadly, many helpers
end up being victims of verbal abuse.
It’s very rare to find good employers.
Helpers who are strong and tough must survive.
Because if you don’t, you’ll be labeled lazy.
Even if you’re just sitting for a bit or
resting at night — it’s all wrong.
Patience, patience, patience — not everyone is fortunate."
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(Simi lan?i where gt say she lazy when she sit down?she happily sit on my dinning table even slp there for at least half an hour,i dint even say a thing!)
Here is the English translation of the handwritten note in the third image:
Yesterday the employer got angry, even though I didn’t do anything wrong. I was only told to monitor the kid in the garage, watching between the gate and door. It would be better if I just stayed in one place. After that, I was told again to sanitize and wipe the door because the bag brought in was placed there.
When I asked questions, they replied harshly like, “It’s okay if you don’t want to work, there are many others out there.”
This kind of statement really hurts. I've always been patient. Even when I sit down briefly at night, they say I’m lazy.
I want to clean quickly so I can rest. I don't want to be like some others. I'm already careful with everything I do.
I want to go home.
I miss my child.
He always cries when we talk on the phone.
Oh Allah, please make it easier for me to return safely.
Being here is really painful.
All I want is to meet my child again.
This house loses things easily. The employer always blames the helper.
Even drinks from the fridge must be accounted for.
I’m not allowed to eat sweet snacks. Even if I’m sick, I can’t drink anything unless it’s medicine.
Sometimes I think, can I hold on?
Even if I work quickly, they always criticize. I never feel appreciated.
Washing trousers must be done properly and cleanly.
Even little things can lead to scolding.
It's hard to survive like this.
They say I’m not tidy, but they don’t understand how tiring it is.
The vacuum cleaner is very heavy and old.
Even in a clean house, if a helper makes one mistake, it’s always a big issue.
I’m not lazy, I just need to sit for a moment.
They compare me to the former helper. I can’t be her.
She had been working for two years. I’ve only been here two months.
I can’t work in a place without peace.
Bismillah
I pray I can leave this environment soon and return home safely.
Hopefully, I’ll be able to complete my 2 years and return in good health.
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(Ridiculous, since when i threaten her to find someone replace her?wtf?my previous helper work for me 7yrs not 2yrs leh,is this bitch have被害妄想症？i also never ask her help me to take care my children at somewhere before,nv ask her sanitize my door before,is this talking abt me?or isit talk abt other people story?simi lan jiao)
Here's the English translation of the handwritten journal entry dated 23 April 2025:
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23 April 2025 – Missing Amirah & Fatimah
Last night I was able to call my family, but only for 2 minutes and 23 seconds.
Yallah, please strengthen my discipline regarding phone usage.
Alhamdulillah, I’m happy my children are healthy, Adil is healthy.
It's been 3 months since I last talked to my in-laws and sister-in-law.
I don’t know what I did wrong that made my mother-in-law/sister-in-law angry to the point they blocked me on WhatsApp. I’ve apologized to my husband many times, trying to ask him to help me talk to his mother and siblings, but he just said: Just give it time.
I’m really not comfortable with the situation. It’s been 3 months, and I still feel like something is weighing on me.
I want to be a good daughter-in-law, but it’s hard when my efforts are ignored. I’ve made mistakes before, yes, but I’ve tried to fix them. Even with friends here, I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I laugh, but my heart isn’t in it.
Lately, I’ve been thinking: what if something happens to me suddenly? Would my kids even remember me?
I’m scared. I cry at night thinking about all of this.
My only comfort is knowing I’ve tried. I’m not perfect, but I keep trying.
Every time I see families laughing together, it makes me miss that sense of unity. I try to stay positive, to pray, to do dhikr, but the sadness still finds its way back.
I just want peace in the household, with the in-laws, and in myself.
24 April 2025
My head still hurts from crying last night. I didn’t sleep well.
Why is it so hard to be understood? Why do I keep having to explain myself?
I don’t want pity, just fairness.
Right now, I’m trying my best to be strong – for myself and for my kids.
14 May 2025
I’ve been getting better at letting things go. If they don’t want to talk to me, it’s okay.
What matters is how I carry myself, how I act, how I raise the kids.
That’s what I can control. Let Allah handle the rest.
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Here is the English translation of the handwritten journal entry dated 14 May:
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14 May
Someone is going to have surgery – pus mixed with blood is coming out.
There’s someone who disappeared from the hospital room in just 3 seconds – it stings every time they poke.
It feels like my body’s being torn apart. Truly terrifying when the nurse injects, knocks, pushes, and presses.
The worst part was when my husband just stood still, looking at me without saying anything, then went back to sleep. That really hurt.
It would have been better if he had been sent back – if it’s going to be like that, I’m not even sure anymore.
It really hurts there.
Monday, 6 May, after Maghrib I started to feel sharp pain in my ear.
Tuesday morning, 7 May, I went to emergency and got checked.
Waited until 3 p.m. to be taken into a room.
The doctor came, female doctor. I was told to stay in the room and wait until another doctor and ENT specialist came for a CT scan.
Tuesday, 7 May, 10 a.m. – brought to emergency room again.
3 p.m. – CT scan (Tuesday afternoon) – then transferred to inpatient room.
Wednesday, 8 May – the pus and blood came out from 12:00 to 13:30.
That night – I was allowed to go home.
Thursday, 9 May morning – went straight to the head specialist.
Monday, 13 May night – bleeding again.
This time, the blood and pus came out again.
It’s so painful… and makes my body feel like it's being hit hard.
Why do I have to experience this? What did I do wrong?
But I believe I’m strong – I have to be strong.
This pain is a test from Allah, and He won’t test beyond my capacity.
Still, it’s really painful. Even more so when I feel like I’m facing this alone.
I’ve told my husband many times: I can’t do this if I don’t feel supported.
But he’s also very quiet and doesn't really respond.
Every night I cry and overthink until my chest gets tight.
Here in the hospital, it's like I’ve been forcibly silenced, made to endure without complaining.
Only Allah hears my pain.
I have to keep telling myself to be grateful for this test and to clean my heart.
I have to be sincere and forgive others.
Please, O Allah, strengthen me mentally and physically.
It hurts so much – really hurts, Lord.
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Sure, here's the English translation of the text in the image:
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Activities at the Agency House in Singapore
1. Wake up at 06:30
2. Tidy up & clean until 08:00
3. Breakfast
4. Shower
5. Help cook & clean up after cooking
6. In the living room until 12:00
7. Lunch
8. Study
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**The agency people are nice. Mam Tay Mei is very nice.
But I got an employer who is extremely strict – must be really clean and fast.
Have to clean the bathroom, give food, prepare toiletries.
But if she gets angry, I cry a lot – I feel very sad, feel stupid, and can't work.
When scolded, I always cry, feel stupid and useless – so stupid.
April 22, '25: “What should I do, God?”
I really want to call my family – it's so hard. Oh God...
When will I be given peace of mind? Why do I always cry every month?
It's only been 3 months. How can I be this weak?
Maybe I'm not strong enough, should I go home?
Have I done something wrong? Is it my fault?
Can I get released early? When? How? It's driving me crazy.
My photo from 2 years ago looked happy. Now I look so pitiful.
I borrowed money from my parents, yet I can't even send any money back.
It’s so painful... This kind of job is too tough.
People say it's easy, but they don’t understand.
Working abroad is hard – not just physically, but emotionally too.
God help me...**
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Here is the English translation of the text in the second image:
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When my employer returned from Japan and Seoul, I was confused. I had to clean and tidy up before they arrived, even though I didn’t know what time they’d arrive.
I had to sweep and mop the floor. Before they arrived, I had to prepare dinner.
The employer’s mother wanted everything cleaned thoroughly, including the toilet, sink, bathtub, all of it.
I was scolded again. It was so painful. I was told I was stupid.
I feel so down, especially when I try to do my best but it still seems not enough.
Sometimes I wonder, what is my fault? Why do I always get scolded?
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Daily Tasks:
Clean the floor and dog poop every day.
After the dog eats, clean the place.
If the dog eats on the floor, clean it.
Clean the bathroom cabinet using kitchen detergent daily.
Clean glass with glass cleaner every day.
Clean the kitchen with kitchen detergent every day.
Stove: kitchen detergent
Refrigerator: glass cleaner
Change tablecloth every day.
After cooking, mop with kitchen detergent.
Mop the kitchen and floor every day.
[Redacted] for drying the dog; do not let it break.
Wash the toilet every day.
Open the curtains every day.
Use a small vacuum for everything.
Use the robot vacuum every day for the main areas.
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iPad Instructions:
iPad password: 0520
Click “DreamHome”
Go to the device
Click on the big room → deep cleaning → clean
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Here's the English translation of the handwritten note in the image:
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23 April 2025
Missing Ammah & Fatimah
Yesterday I had a phone call with my family, but only for 2.5 minutes.
Ya Allah, please open my employer's heart to be more understanding regarding phone usage.
Alhamdulillah, I'm happy to hear that my child is healthy and well.
3 months ago, I stopped talking to my parents-in-law and sister-in-law.
I don't know why I was so hurt when my sister-in-law wanted to borrow my phone but deleted many photos.
I didn't mean to be selfish about the phone, but I use it for work and to communicate with my husband.
Sometimes it feels like I'm being used. When she works, she hands over all the housework to me. She acts as if she doesn’t know anything. But it's been going on for 2 years.
I used to take it patiently, but now that I’m alone, I feel so suffocated and drained.
I tried to be understanding. I never asked them to buy me anything.
They got a new phone, but I wasn’t even considered to be given the old one.
They promised to give me a new one last year, but it never happened.
When I asked to borrow it, they always hesitated.
When I asked to video call, they would just say "later" or "next time."
They could've just been honest. If they didn't want to lend it, just say it.
They keep making promises they don’t keep.
I don’t expect money, just sincerity. I try to be patient and hold back so much.
Maybe this is the reason I'm being placed in a new household now.
Hopefully, this new family is kinder and more understanding.
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2 May 2025
My chest feels so tight. I had a long video call with my husband.
It seems like he’s too lazy to take care of our child.
He even lets our daughter pee herself.
She’s just left lying in wet clothes.
Even though he’s been given money, he said he spent it all.
When I asked how he spent it, he snapped at me.
I don’t know if he’s angry because I reminded him to clean the house or what.
It’s like he’s been influenced by someone.
Sometimes I feel like giving up.
But I remind myself: I’m here to work, to help my husband and child.
And Allah wants me to be patient and strong.
As long as I’m still alive, I must keep trying.
Even though I’m so far away from my child and family, this is a test from Allah.
Sometimes I wonder, why must I go through all this?
But maybe Allah wants me to mature and understand things better.
I miss my child and parents so much.
Sometimes I cry until I fall asleep.
I try to put my trust in Allah, keep praying that my husband is guided and my child grows up well.
What’s wrong with being a househusband if it’s just temporary?
He said he wanted to work again, but what job?
I already asked my cousin to help find work, but he refused to go.
I don't want to pressure him, but I'm tired of being the only one who understands.
He often complains, saying I’m not helping enough.
Even though I’ve never stopped sending money or support.
I pray for my husband every day, and for strength every day.
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14 May 2025
This morning, I was woken up because I received a message from my husband asking to be picked up.
Turns out, he went to visit his parents without telling me.
When I called, he hung up.
What am I supposed to do? Of course, I’ll be the one to get blamed again.
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Here is the English translation of the handwritten note:
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14 May ‘25
Didn’t expect to get surgery. It was said to be an abscess with blood.
Feels like, how come I’m the one who ends up in the hospital like this? I used to think an abscess was just a small thing. Turns out, it’s serious and had to be treated by a surgeon. At first, I thought I was going to a private clinic. I brought my bag, wore sandals, even my little one’s toy. Didn’t expect to cry watching my child look sad.
I’d rather be the one in pain than see my child hurt.
Monday, 5 May: I was taken to the ER in the afternoon. They thought it was an abscess.
I had to go through an emergency room because the abscess ruptured.
The doctor came and checked. I screamed from the pain.
The ER doctor said I had to be admitted and get a CT scan.
I was taken to the radiology room at night.
CT scan results came out the next day, 6 May, around 2:00 PM.
The abscess was not just under the skin but deeper in the pelvic area.
The doctor said it had to be operated on by a surgeon.
That night, I was still in the ER because the inpatient rooms were full.
Given antibiotics. I couldn’t even breastfeed.
I had to express milk to maintain supply.
I couldn’t sleep because I was anxious.
Tuesday, 6 May: The doctor said I could be admitted to a room.
That night, I finally got a room.
Wednesday, 7 May: At 3 PM (clear), moved to the inpatient room.
Wednesday, 7 May: Operated to remove the abscess and sample taken. Surgery lasted from 12:00–13:30 (estimated).
Wednesday night: Still in the hospital.
Thursday, 8 May: 18:30, I was discharged.
Friday, 9 May: Went straight back to work.
Sunday, 11 May: Pus came out again.
They said there was no more pus.
It hurts so much. Even writing this still hurts a lot.
At work, I just sit still. I try to think positively. I’m not yet strong.
What should I do? I’ve been scolded by the doctor for not resting.
I was only allowed to work again after 2 weeks post-op.
But I didn’t expect that my body wouldn’t recover quickly.
I cry a lot, like I’m being tested heavily.
Everything at home feels hard because I can’t move like usual.
My husband’s trying hard. I don’t want to complain, but I just want to cry sometimes.
Seeing the mess at home feels so heavy.
I feel so pressured mentally.
But I’m told to keep being grateful and clean the infected area every day.
Hopefully, by Allah’s will, I’ll be healthy again.
I’m really tired. So tired.
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这种贱人矫情到我不懂要怎么形容，搬弄是非胡说八道，
第一，这是小手术，没切口，只打针挤压胸部的脓和血出来，
第二，她只住3夜，纯粹第一夜等医生回复保险能不能保单，结果等到第二天都还没查到动手术保险有没有保单，所以才给她住到第三天确认有保单了才同意给她第四天动手术，然后这个贱人以为自己的胸部流脓是什么很大件事这样！sibei drama!
8号晚上她就回家睡觉了，我给她第二天做light duty任何需要爬高的东西她都不需要做，我家有扫地机器人也有洗碗机也有终点女佣擦玻璃擦窗口，她只需要擦我的家具，吸椅子下和门后的尘，喂孩子和狗，洗一个厕所，怎还那么矫情？？
第三，14号刚好她的假日，一整天她特别有精神她走来走去嘻嘻哈哈特别大声，在日记装个懒病鸡？
之后她老公打去印尼经纪公司投诉“为什么我老婆开刀还要做工不给她休息”，神经病，打针挤脓罢了当天马上就可以出院讲到好像脑开刀这样?之后我给她休息两天她还敢讲休息不够，要继续休息，问要休息多久她讲不知道，这种鸡百白眼狼，来骗免费治疗的吗？？
第四，她只有4天mc,什么两个礼拜才能开工？鸡百浪，又在胡说八道！
第五，没有医生骂她没好好休息，又在在矫情懒觉？？
Here's the English translation of the handwritten text from the image:
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18 May 25
Today marks three months since I arrived here. Time flies so fast until I didn’t realize it. I call my child every night. Finally, I got to talk to my child for more than 30 minutes. I asked my husband to call a counselor to talk about the plan for my mom staying here for three months. May Allah make it easier and smooth for my mom to come and stay here for three months, and may my child be healthy and safe to return home. Aamiin.
I want to keep being strong so I can achieve my dream of being with my child and Adib. Living here isn't easy, I have to be able to withstand and be patient. Life here isn’t as glamorous as people think. There’s a lot of mental stress, different ways of thinking, different habits from when you have kids and don’t. You’re also forced to think about the household. Don’t complain. Complaining just adds to the burden and makes it heavier.
The results of the check-up and observation aren’t out yet. I have to wait until July to see if there is an infection or not. I’m afraid it might be cancer.
22 May 25
O Allah, strengthen Your servant’s heart, give enthusiasm to Your servant, don’t let Your servant grow weak and fall. Your servant has to stay on the path. This is the path that You have prepared. May Allah give strength to carry on even when it feels really heavy. May Allah forgive all my sins and give me a peaceful heart. Here, everything is about survival. It’s hard. I cry every day, and sometimes I have to cry in the bathroom so no one hears. I have to smile even though my heart is in pain. I miss my child so much. I miss Adib. I miss my family. It feels like I have no one here. I want to go home, but I also want to finish what I’ve started. People only see what’s on the surface. They don’t know what it’s really like. They see the brand, the title, the privilege, the status, the degree. They don’t know the tears behind all of this.
Sometimes I feel like giving up. I’m tired. This month is very draining. My birthday this year will be spent here again. I hope that next year I can go home. Or at least be with my child.
My thoughts are so scattered that I can’t even write neatly. Everything feels heavy and chaotic. I just want to talk to someone who can really listen. I miss talking without judgment. It’s so hard to find people who truly understand. People just want to hear good things. They don’t want to hear pain. I’ve learned a lot about people’s nature. Whether they’re rich or poor, they can all be arrogant. Rich or not, it’s all about character. Poor people can be kind and sincere, while rich people can be arrogant and condescending. Some rich people are humble too. In the end, what matters is character. Education, wealth, and beauty can all fade. But character stays.
I hope Allah protects my child. I really miss him. I want to go home. I miss my family so much. Please, Allah, make it easier for me. I don’t want to give up, but sometimes it feels too much.
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Desi irawati diary
Here is the English translation of the handwritten journal page dated 1 March 2025:
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1 March 2025
Saturday night, the first fast-breaking
We broke our fast for the first time with just KFC burger and fries, but it still didn’t feel right, because it was without my child & sibling #1.
Financial contract – two years, must go home to start a business, must make money so I don’t have to keep looking.
Loan – must be paid off.
They say they had a hard time picking me up because of Allah – but did they ever really want me, or was it just a duty?
I don’t want to stay here long.
Only 2 years – that’s it!
Please succeed
Fatimah, Aminah
I miss you both so much.
Ya Allah, forgive me for not being able to accompany my children.
What did they really want from me? I’ve already given everything.
They were given KFC burger and fries – they immediately asked for more. They drank sweet iced tea. I didn’t eat. It didn’t taste good without my children and my little sister.
Everything they wanted from me, they got.
But they still couldn’t be fully present.
They have to return to open a business – not allowed to just look for work.
They said they had to borrow money, but already told my mom they would bring me back.
They even said they were forced to come get me – so what do they really want from me?
I didn’t want to stay here long.
Only 2 years, not more.
Ya Allah, give them clarity.
Even though I can’t feel their sincerity.
They sent me here not to support me – but to be relieved of the burden.
They thought I didn’t know that.
This 2-year acceleration, O Allah...
I hope You ease it.
Let this be the last time I feel this much stress and trauma.
Let this be a stepping stone to face a better life.
I’m tired. I’m burnt out. I want to rest.
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Bismillah Ya Allah, I ask for Your steadfastness.
Strengthen my hands, shoulders, back, and legs.
I won’t repeat this again.
I’ve reached my limit.
The trauma and stress—I must leave the children for a while.
Allahu Akbar (God is Great),
There is no god but Allah
Allahu Akbar
Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un (To God we belong, and to Him we return)
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Here is the English translation of the handwritten note in the image:
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Aminah Fatimah LDR
February 18, 2023
Aminah Fatimah, my younger sister, a woman who was born from a great mother.
Even though our family doesn't care, I do care about you.
Even though you are still young, I can talk to you like an adult.
Even though you are a woman, don't keep crying, Ndo.
Even though you are the youngest girl, stay strong, Ndo.
Even though you're left behind, everything will be okay, Ndo.
Your presence is a beautiful prayer, a divine gift.
Even though it's hard, I must go.
Even if I have to leave, I will come back to you.
Even if I never return, remember I’ve loved you.
No matter what happens, I must go.
Even though this is temporary, this is a must.
Even though it’s my mistake, I must leave first.
Sorry, Ndo.
Fatimah
Aminah
2 years
Graduate 2027
Finish
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Here is the English translation of the handwritten note in the second image:
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"Every time my child calls, he always cries.
Why, dear Allah?
What is making him so sad?
I can’t bear this, oh Allah.
Especially since here I can’t contact the school.
I must go back because he’s always scolded for not doing homework.
I helped him before, he quickly picked it up, he’s smart.
Next time, don’t judge someone before finishing your own tasks.
They say customers are always right.
Yes, that’s true — but not all customers (are right).
I will hold on until I make my own decision,
asking Allah for rest, even if I must go through pain and tears.
Persistence every day — may Allah help me endure.
This month, I’ll pay off debts.
Behind my success are good people, but sadly, many helpers
end up being victims of verbal abuse.
It’s very rare to find good employers.
Helpers who are strong and tough must survive.
Because if you don’t, you’ll be labeled lazy.
Even if you’re just sitting for a bit or
resting at night — it’s all wrong.
Patience, patience, patience — not everyone is fortunate."
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(Simi lan?i where gt say she lazy when she sit down?she happily sit on my dinning table even slp there for at least half an hour,i dint even say a thing!)
Here is the English translation of the handwritten note in the third image:
Yesterday the employer got angry, even though I didn’t do anything wrong. I was only told to monitor the kid in the garage, watching between the gate and door. It would be better if I just stayed in one place. After that, I was told again to sanitize and wipe the door because the bag brought in was placed there.
When I asked questions, they replied harshly like, “It’s okay if you don’t want to work, there are many others out there.”
This kind of statement really hurts. I've always been patient. Even when I sit down briefly at night, they say I’m lazy.
I want to clean quickly so I can rest. I don't want to be like some others. I'm already careful with everything I do.
I want to go home.
I miss my child.
He always cries when we talk on the phone.
Oh Allah, please make it easier for me to return safely.
Being here is really painful.
All I want is to meet my child again.
This house loses things easily. The employer always blames the helper.
Even drinks from the fridge must be accounted for.
I’m not allowed to eat sweet snacks. Even if I’m sick, I can’t drink anything unless it’s medicine.
Sometimes I think, can I hold on?
Even if I work quickly, they always criticize. I never feel appreciated.
Washing trousers must be done properly and cleanly.
Even little things can lead to scolding.
It's hard to survive like this.
They say I’m not tidy, but they don’t understand how tiring it is.
The vacuum cleaner is very heavy and old.
Even in a clean house, if a helper makes one mistake, it’s always a big issue.
I’m not lazy, I just need to sit for a moment.
They compare me to the former helper. I can’t be her.
She had been working for two years. I’ve only been here two months.
I can’t work in a place without peace.
Bismillah
I pray I can leave this environment soon and return home safely.
Hopefully, I’ll be able to complete my 2 years and return in good health.
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(Ridiculous, since when i threaten her to find someone replace her?wtf?my previous helper work for me 7yrs not 2yrs leh,is this bitch have被害妄想症？i also never ask her help me to take care my children at somewhere before,nv ask her sanitize my door before,is this talking abt me?or isit talk abt other people story?simi lan jiao)
Here's the English translation of the handwritten journal entry dated 23 April 2025:
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23 April 2025 – Missing Amirah & Fatimah
Last night I was able to call my family, but only for 2 minutes and 23 seconds.
Yallah, please strengthen my discipline regarding phone usage.
Alhamdulillah, I’m happy my children are healthy, Adil is healthy.
It's been 3 months since I last talked to my in-laws and sister-in-law.
I don’t know what I did wrong that made my mother-in-law/sister-in-law angry to the point they blocked me on WhatsApp. I’ve apologized to my husband many times, trying to ask him to help me talk to his mother and siblings, but he just said: Just give it time.
I’m really not comfortable with the situation. It’s been 3 months, and I still feel like something is weighing on me.
I want to be a good daughter-in-law, but it’s hard when my efforts are ignored. I’ve made mistakes before, yes, but I’ve tried to fix them. Even with friends here, I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I laugh, but my heart isn’t in it.
Lately, I’ve been thinking: what if something happens to me suddenly? Would my kids even remember me?
I’m scared. I cry at night thinking about all of this.
My only comfort is knowing I’ve tried. I’m not perfect, but I keep trying.
Every time I see families laughing together, it makes me miss that sense of unity. I try to stay positive, to pray, to do dhikr, but the sadness still finds its way back.
I just want peace in the household, with the in-laws, and in myself.
24 April 2025
My head still hurts from crying last night. I didn’t sleep well.
Why is it so hard to be understood? Why do I keep having to explain myself?
I don’t want pity, just fairness.
Right now, I’m trying my best to be strong – for myself and for my kids.
14 May 2025
I’ve been getting better at letting things go. If they don’t want to talk to me, it’s okay.
What matters is how I carry myself, how I act, how I raise the kids.
That’s what I can control. Let Allah handle the rest.
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Here is the English translation of the handwritten journal entry dated 14 May:
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14 May
Someone is going to have surgery – pus mixed with blood is coming out.
There’s someone who disappeared from the hospital room in just 3 seconds – it stings every time they poke.
It feels like my body’s being torn apart. Truly terrifying when the nurse injects, knocks, pushes, and presses.
The worst part was when my husband just stood still, looking at me without saying anything, then went back to sleep. That really hurt.
It would have been better if he had been sent back – if it’s going to be like that, I’m not even sure anymore.
It really hurts there.
Monday, 6 May, after Maghrib I started to feel sharp pain in my ear.
Tuesday morning, 7 May, I went to emergency and got checked.
Waited until 3 p.m. to be taken into a room.
The doctor came, female doctor. I was told to stay in the room and wait until another doctor and ENT specialist came for a CT scan.
Tuesday, 7 May, 10 a.m. – brought to emergency room again.
3 p.m. – CT scan (Tuesday afternoon) – then transferred to inpatient room.
Wednesday, 8 May – the pus and blood came out from 12:00 to 13:30.
That night – I was allowed to go home.
Thursday, 9 May morning – went straight to the head specialist.
Monday, 13 May night – bleeding again.
This time, the blood and pus came out again.
It’s so painful… and makes my body feel like it's being hit hard.
Why do I have to experience this? What did I do wrong?
But I believe I’m strong – I have to be strong.
This pain is a test from Allah, and He won’t test beyond my capacity.
Still, it’s really painful. Even more so when I feel like I’m facing this alone.
I’ve told my husband many times: I can’t do this if I don’t feel supported.
But he’s also very quiet and doesn't really respond.
Every night I cry and overthink until my chest gets tight.
Here in the hospital, it's like I’ve been forcibly silenced, made to endure without complaining.
Only Allah hears my pain.
I have to keep telling myself to be grateful for this test and to clean my heart.
I have to be sincere and forgive others.
Please, O Allah, strengthen me mentally and physically.
It hurts so much – really hurts, Lord.
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Sure, here's the English translation of the text in the image:
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Activities at the Agency House in Singapore
1. Wake up at 06:30
2. Tidy up & clean until 08:00
3. Breakfast
4. Shower
5. Help cook & clean up after cooking
6. In the living room until 12:00
7. Lunch
8. Study
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**The agency people are nice. Mam Tay Mei is very nice.
But I got an employer who is extremely strict – must be really clean and fast.
Have to clean the bathroom, give food, prepare toiletries.
But if she gets angry, I cry a lot – I feel very sad, feel stupid, and can't work.
When scolded, I always cry, feel stupid and useless – so stupid.
April 22, '25: “What should I do, God?”
I really want to call my family – it's so hard. Oh God...
When will I be given peace of mind? Why do I always cry every month?
It's only been 3 months. How can I be this weak?
Maybe I'm not strong enough, should I go home?
Have I done something wrong? Is it my fault?
Can I get released early? When? How? It's driving me crazy.
My photo from 2 years ago looked happy. Now I look so pitiful.
I borrowed money from my parents, yet I can't even send any money back.
It’s so painful... This kind of job is too tough.
People say it's easy, but they don’t understand.
Working abroad is hard – not just physically, but emotionally too.
God help me...**
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Here is the English translation of the text in the second image:
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When my employer returned from Japan and Seoul, I was confused. I had to clean and tidy up before they arrived, even though I didn’t know what time they’d arrive.
I had to sweep and mop the floor. Before they arrived, I had to prepare dinner.
The employer’s mother wanted everything cleaned thoroughly, including the toilet, sink, bathtub, all of it.
I was scolded again. It was so painful. I was told I was stupid.
I feel so down, especially when I try to do my best but it still seems not enough.
Sometimes I wonder, what is my fault? Why do I always get scolded?
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Daily Tasks:
Clean the floor and dog poop every day.
After the dog eats, clean the place.
If the dog eats on the floor, clean it.
Clean the bathroom cabinet using kitchen detergent daily.
Clean glass with glass cleaner every day.
Clean the kitchen with kitchen detergent every day.
Stove: kitchen detergent
Refrigerator: glass cleaner
Change tablecloth every day.
After cooking, mop with kitchen detergent.
Mop the kitchen and floor every day.
[Redacted] for drying the dog; do not let it break.
Wash the toilet every day.
Open the curtains every day.
Use a small vacuum for everything.
Use the robot vacuum every day for the main areas.
---
iPad Instructions:
iPad password: 0520
Click “DreamHome”
Go to the device
Click on the big room → deep cleaning → clean
Let me know if you'd like this in a more formal or printable format.
Here's the English translation of the handwritten note in the image:
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23 April 2025
Missing Ammah & Fatimah
Yesterday I had a phone call with my family, but only for 2.5 minutes.
Ya Allah, please open my employer's heart to be more understanding regarding phone usage.
Alhamdulillah, I'm happy to hear that my child is healthy and well.
3 months ago, I stopped talking to my parents-in-law and sister-in-law.
I don't know why I was so hurt when my sister-in-law wanted to borrow my phone but deleted many photos.
I didn't mean to be selfish about the phone, but I use it for work and to communicate with my husband.
Sometimes it feels like I'm being used. When she works, she hands over all the housework to me. She acts as if she doesn’t know anything. But it's been going on for 2 years.
I used to take it patiently, but now that I’m alone, I feel so suffocated and drained.
I tried to be understanding. I never asked them to buy me anything.
They got a new phone, but I wasn’t even considered to be given the old one.
They promised to give me a new one last year, but it never happened.
When I asked to borrow it, they always hesitated.
When I asked to video call, they would just say "later" or "next time."
They could've just been honest. If they didn't want to lend it, just say it.
They keep making promises they don’t keep.
I don’t expect money, just sincerity. I try to be patient and hold back so much.
Maybe this is the reason I'm being placed in a new household now.
Hopefully, this new family is kinder and more understanding.
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2 May 2025
My chest feels so tight. I had a long video call with my husband.
It seems like he’s too lazy to take care of our child.
He even lets our daughter pee herself.
She’s just left lying in wet clothes.
Even though he’s been given money, he said he spent it all.
When I asked how he spent it, he snapped at me.
I don’t know if he’s angry because I reminded him to clean the house or what.
It’s like he’s been influenced by someone.
Sometimes I feel like giving up.
But I remind myself: I’m here to work, to help my husband and child.
And Allah wants me to be patient and strong.
As long as I’m still alive, I must keep trying.
Even though I’m so far away from my child and family, this is a test from Allah.
Sometimes I wonder, why must I go through all this?
But maybe Allah wants me to mature and understand things better.
I miss my child and parents so much.
Sometimes I cry until I fall asleep.
I try to put my trust in Allah, keep praying that my husband is guided and my child grows up well.
What’s wrong with being a househusband if it’s just temporary?
He said he wanted to work again, but what job?
I already asked my cousin to help find work, but he refused to go.
I don't want to pressure him, but I'm tired of being the only one who understands.
He often complains, saying I’m not helping enough.
Even though I’ve never stopped sending money or support.
I pray for my husband every day, and for strength every day.
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14 May 2025
This morning, I was woken up because I received a message from my husband asking to be picked up.
Turns out, he went to visit his parents without telling me.
When I called, he hung up.
What am I supposed to do? Of course, I’ll be the one to get blamed again.
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Here is the English translation of the handwritten note:
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14 May ‘25
Didn’t expect to get surgery. It was said to be an abscess with blood.
Feels like, how come I’m the one who ends up in the hospital like this? I used to think an abscess was just a small thing. Turns out, it’s serious and had to be treated by a surgeon. At first, I thought I was going to a private clinic. I brought my bag, wore sandals, even my little one’s toy. Didn’t expect to cry watching my child look sad.
I’d rather be the one in pain than see my child hurt.
Monday, 5 May: I was taken to the ER in the afternoon. They thought it was an abscess.
I had to go through an emergency room because the abscess ruptured.
The doctor came and checked. I screamed from the pain.
The ER doctor said I had to be admitted and get a CT scan.
I was taken to the radiology room at night.
CT scan results came out the next day, 6 May, around 2:00 PM.
The abscess was not just under the skin but deeper in the pelvic area.
The doctor said it had to be operated on by a surgeon.
That night, I was still in the ER because the inpatient rooms were full.
Given antibiotics. I couldn’t even breastfeed.
I had to express milk to maintain supply.
I couldn’t sleep because I was anxious.
Tuesday, 6 May: The doctor said I could be admitted to a room.
That night, I finally got a room.
Wednesday, 7 May: At 3 PM (clear), moved to the inpatient room.
Wednesday, 7 May: Operated to remove the abscess and sample taken. Surgery lasted from 12:00–13:30 (estimated).
Wednesday night: Still in the hospital.
Thursday, 8 May: 18:30, I was discharged.
Friday, 9 May: Went straight back to work.
Sunday, 11 May: Pus came out again.
They said there was no more pus.
It hurts so much. Even writing this still hurts a lot.
At work, I just sit still. I try to think positively. I’m not yet strong.
What should I do? I’ve been scolded by the doctor for not resting.
I was only allowed to work again after 2 weeks post-op.
But I didn’t expect that my body wouldn’t recover quickly.
I cry a lot, like I’m being tested heavily.
Everything at home feels hard because I can’t move like usual.
My husband’s trying hard. I don’t want to complain, but I just want to cry sometimes.
Seeing the mess at home feels so heavy.
I feel so pressured mentally.
But I’m told to keep being grateful and clean the infected area every day.
Hopefully, by Allah’s will, I’ll be healthy again.
I’m really tired. So tired.
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这种贱人矫情到我不懂要怎么形容，搬弄是非胡说八道，
第一，这是小手术，没切口，只打针挤压胸部的脓和血出来，
第二，她只住3夜，纯粹第一夜等医生回复保险能不能保单，结果等到第二天都还没查到动手术保险有没有保单，所以才给她住到第三天确认有保单了才同意给她第四天动手术，然后这个贱人以为自己的胸部流脓是什么很大件事这样！sibei drama!
8号晚上她就回家睡觉了，我给她第二天做light duty任何需要爬高的东西她都不需要做，我家有扫地机器人也有洗碗机也有终点女佣擦玻璃擦窗口，她只需要擦我的家具，吸椅子下和门后的尘，喂孩子和狗，洗一个厕所，怎还那么矫情？？
第三，14号刚好她的假日，一整天她特别有精神她走来走去嘻嘻哈哈特别大声，在日记装个懒病鸡？
之后她老公打去印尼经纪公司投诉“为什么我老婆开刀还要做工不给她休息”，神经病，打针挤脓罢了当天马上就可以出院讲到好像脑开刀这样?之后我给她休息两天她还敢讲休息不够，要继续休息，问要休息多久她讲不知道，这种鸡百白眼狼，来骗免费治疗的吗？？
第四，她只有4天mc,什么两个礼拜才能开工？鸡百浪，又在胡说八道！
第五，没有医生骂她没好好休息，又在在矫情懒觉？？
Here's the English translation of the handwritten text from the image:
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18 May 25
Today marks three months since I arrived here. Time flies so fast until I didn’t realize it. I call my child every night. Finally, I got to talk to my child for more than 30 minutes. I asked my husband to call a counselor to talk about the plan for my mom staying here for three months. May Allah make it easier and smooth for my mom to come and stay here for three months, and may my child be healthy and safe to return home. Aamiin.
I want to keep being strong so I can achieve my dream of being with my child and Adib. Living here isn't easy, I have to be able to withstand and be patient. Life here isn’t as glamorous as people think. There’s a lot of mental stress, different ways of thinking, different habits from when you have kids and don’t. You’re also forced to think about the household. Don’t complain. Complaining just adds to the burden and makes it heavier.
The results of the check-up and observation aren’t out yet. I have to wait until July to see if there is an infection or not. I’m afraid it might be cancer.
22 May 25
O Allah, strengthen Your servant’s heart, give enthusiasm to Your servant, don’t let Your servant grow weak and fall. Your servant has to stay on the path. This is the path that You have prepared. May Allah give strength to carry on even when it feels really heavy. May Allah forgive all my sins and give me a peaceful heart. Here, everything is about survival. It’s hard. I cry every day, and sometimes I have to cry in the bathroom so no one hears. I have to smile even though my heart is in pain. I miss my child so much. I miss Adib. I miss my family. It feels like I have no one here. I want to go home, but I also want to finish what I’ve started. People only see what’s on the surface. They don’t know what it’s really like. They see the brand, the title, the privilege, the status, the degree. They don’t know the tears behind all of this.
Sometimes I feel like giving up. I’m tired. This month is very draining. My birthday this year will be spent here again. I hope that next year I can go home. Or at least be with my child.
My thoughts are so scattered that I can’t even write neatly. Everything feels heavy and chaotic. I just want to talk to someone who can really listen. I miss talking without judgment. It’s so hard to find people who truly understand. People just want to hear good things. They don’t want to hear pain. I’ve learned a lot about people’s nature. Whether they’re rich or poor, they can all be arrogant. Rich or not, it’s all about character. Poor people can be kind and sincere, while rich people can be arrogant and condescending. Some rich people are humble too. In the end, what matters is character. Education, wealth, and beauty can all fade. But character stays.
I hope Allah protects my child. I really miss him. I want to go home. I miss my family so much. Please, Allah, make it easier for me. I don’t want to give up, but sometimes it feels too much.
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